Through my lifetime I have said goodbye to many people who I have loved, but it’s hard to say goodbye to a parent. My Dad has always been there for me, through the good times and the tough times, I will so miss not having him around to share my life with.
And yet I am not totally consumed by grief – I am terribly, terribly sad, yes, but I’m ok. I was eighteen when my Mum passed and I remember that feeling of all-consuming despair, the grief because I would never see her again, the anger that she had been taken from me and, yes, the need to blame someone for her death.
Forty years on and I feel totally different. Is it because I’m older and wiser? Is it because my Dad is older and has had a good life? Is it because at the age of 86 he was nearing his time to go? Well, yes, it could be any one or a combination of those things, but more importantly I know now that his passing is not the end of my Dad.
Through this whole period of Dad’s illness and passing I have learnt, and am learning, some really valuable lessons.
I have learnt that I don’t always have to be strong for others, so now if I want to cry I will. Grief is an emotion that I am experiencing right now and I will own it, I will go with it and allow it to flow from me as it will. Soon it will start to subside.
I have learnt not to feel guilty about things that are outside of my control. I could not have been with Dad as he passed because he deteriorated too rapidly to allow me to make the 2-hour journey to be with him.
I will not allow others to make me question myself as to whether I could have/should have done more. I did what I could at the time and I will not live with regrets.
I guess when anyone passes, the past and the memories are at the forefront of the mind. My memories are, on the whole, happy and loving ones. Yes there are a few that could be better but who wouldn’t change a few things if it were possible? What I am finding now is that I’m looking at the not so good memories and releasing them, so I am having a real good clearing out of all the clutter and things that no longer serve me.
Through this sad time in my life I find that I am learning things of such value, I am embracing the situation rather than seeing it as something that I have to get through as quickly as possible.
During this past week I have felt such tremendous love and support from my guides and angels. They have been there to help guide me through some of the decisions I have had to make, and they will be with me tomorrow when I have to register the death and make the final arrangements, they will be with me through the funeral, and they will be with me in the weeks that follow as I adjust to a life without my Dad.
