The Funeral

Dad’s funeral was last Friday and, as funerals go, I have to say it was a good one.

When I awoke that morning I asked my guides and angels to be with me throughout the day and they didn’t let me down.  The first song I heard on the radio when I turned it on was the Eurythmics “There Must be an Angel”.  Everything went according to plan; the church was packed and it was standing room only.  My son read the Eulogy and I was both amazed and so proud of him.  The evening was spent with really good friends; a few drinks, a nice meal and a bit of relaxation.  We had waved my Dad off and now he was home.

I went to see Dad that morning at the funeral home.  I only went because my son wanted to go and I didn’t want him to do it alone.  Dad looked peaceful, but he wasn’t there – it really was an empty shell.  My son and I cried a lot and I guess it confirmed for us that Dad had really gone; I’m glad we went.

The following day the hard work of clearing his home started and what really struck me was how you spend a lifetime collecting bits and pieces to have someone chuck it all out at the end of the day.  There is no way I could fit the contents of Dad’s home into mine and, to be honest, neither would I want to.  Dad’s stuff was his memories, not mine.  So I have one or two little bits, plus loads of photos, and the rest had to go.  But it has made me think about the stuff I have in my own home, the things that I have collected over the years and yes, they do hold lots of memories, but now I believe that life should be more about experiences rather than a collection of things.

Clearing out Dad’s things has made me think about getting my own house in order; one day my Son will have to clear out after me and at the moment it will not be easy.

One of the moments that made me smile was just after I had poured a nearly full bottle of wine down the sink.  There was a loud knocking at the door but when I opened it there was no-one there.  I’m pretty sure it was Dad letting me know that he was not best pleased with me – he did like his glass of wine or two!

So, with everything just about complete, I am left to adjust to a life without my Dad.  And yet I know he’s still with me.

I love you Dad xx

The WI

Just over a year ago I was invited to give a talk on Reiki at a local Women’s Institute meeting.  I accepted, although at that time I had never really spoken in public.  I figured that it was over a year away, a lot could happen in a year and anyway, I could always cancel nearer the time.  I put it out of my mind.

A week ago the lady who made the booking phoned to make sure everything was ok!!  Oh yes, everything’s fine, I told her and then went into panic.

I put together a presentation, wrote some prompt cards and gathered my equipment together.  By yesterday afternoon I had everything I needed to do the talk.

The talk was last night.  I still hadn’t given a public presentation as such although I had said a few words at the opening of our Como Centre for Enlightenment.  I set off for the venue and I will admit to butterflies floating around in a haphazard fashion.  By the time I was introduced I was feeling quite sick and wondering why on earth had I agreed to do this.

I asked my “people” to help, made it through the first few slides and prompt cards and then I found myself digressing – oh, still about Reiki but making it a little more personal and adding my own little stories.  My audience were beginning to get quite involved, they ooed and arred and they laughed.

And then I had finished!  Phew, I’d got through it and then I spent a further 15-minutes answering questions.  We finally stopped because time was running out but as I packed away, the ladies started to come up one by one, with even more questions.

I’m sure I floated back home last night, I was on such a high.  Not only had I pushed myself a little more out of my comfort zone, but I had given loads of information on Reiki to an audience who were really interested, who had been made aware of something they previously knew nothing about and who realised that Reiki was so completely user-friendly that they could do it if they wished.

Many said they would contact me, time will tell whether or not they will, but it doesn’t matter.  I had made a group of ladies aware of Reiki and all its benefits.  I had achieved what I set out to.

Questions

It’s such a beautiful day, the sun is shining and it’s warm – a day to really enjoy the outdoors, when everything appears to be just perfect.  And yet across the world people are suffering.

I am just watching the news and my thoughts are with the people of Colorado after the shooting at a cinema yesterday.  In Norway the people are marking the first anniversary of gun and bomb attacks, and here at home a family is mourning the loss of their son in a tragic accident at the start of the school holidays.  It serves to remind me that all of us are coping with our own issues, at varying levels.

A friend asks why we have to experience pain, illness, loss and death; why do some have a relatively easy life whilst others endure nothing but suffering.  I find it difficult to answer her.

I know that we all have different pathways to walk and what may seem like a charmed life doesn’t always reflect what’s really happening to a person.  I know that past lives play a major part in what we are experiencing today.  I know that we choose what we come back to, what we need to learn in order to progress.  But how do you explain all this to someone who only sees suffering as a tragic manifestation of events that conspire against us?

I battle with loads of unanswered questions too, but I know that to seek answers to my questions I have to look within myself.  I have all the answers I need, I just don’t know how to access them yet.  That's a hard concept to get over to people who are used to looking to others for the answers, but I try.

I have made the decision to follow my heart and work with people who are seeking spiritual development.  I don’t have all the answers, I don’t think anyone has, but I know I want to share the knowledge that I am gaining and the insights that I'm given, in whatever form that may take.

It’s taken me many years, and probably many lives, to get to this stage but I’m here now and I'll work my socks off to progress further.

The Passing

It’s finally happened, my Dad passed on Thursday night and went home.

Through my lifetime I have said goodbye to many people who I have loved, but it’s hard to say goodbye to a parent.  My Dad has always been there for me, through the good times and the tough times, I will so miss not having him around to share my life with.

And yet I am not totally consumed by grief – I am terribly, terribly sad, yes, but I’m ok.  I was eighteen when my Mum passed and I remember that feeling of all-consuming despair, the grief because I would never see her again, the anger that she had been taken from me and, yes, the need to blame someone for her death.

Forty years on and I feel totally different.  Is it because I’m older and wiser?  Is it because my Dad is older and has had a good life?  Is it because at the age of 86 he was nearing his time to go?  Well, yes, it could be any one or a combination of those things, but more importantly I know now that his passing is not the end of my Dad.

Through this whole period of Dad’s illness and passing I have learnt, and am learning, some really valuable lessons.

I have learnt that I don’t always have to be strong for others, so now if I want to cry I will.  Grief is an emotion that I am experiencing right now and I will own it, I will go with it and allow it to flow from me as it will.  Soon it will start to subside.

I have learnt not to feel guilty about things that are outside of my control.  I could not have been with Dad as he passed because he deteriorated too rapidly to allow me to make the 2-hour journey to be with him.

I will not allow others to make me question myself as to whether I could have/should have done more.  I did what I could at the time and I will not live with regrets.

I guess when anyone passes, the past and the memories are at the forefront of the mind.  My memories are, on the whole, happy and loving ones.  Yes there are a few that could be better but who wouldn’t change a few things if it were possible?  What I am finding now is that I’m looking at the not so good memories and releasing them, so I am having a real good clearing out of all the clutter and things that no longer serve me.

Through this sad time in my life I find that I am learning things of such value, I am embracing the situation rather than seeing it as something that I have to get through as quickly as possible.

During this past week I have felt such tremendous love and support from my guides and angels.  They have been there to help guide me through some of the decisions I have had to make, and they will be with me tomorrow when I have to register the death and make the final arrangements, they will be with me through the funeral, and they will be with me in the weeks that follow as I adjust to a life without my Dad.

One Day at a Time

“Let’s take it one day at a time” - I used to hate those words.  I didn’t want to take it one day at a time – I wanted to know what was going to happen, I wanted to plan, I wanted to be in control.  I wanted to know what the end result would be.

When I had cancer I was constantly being told “let’s just take it one day at a time”.  I wanted to scream and yell at the doctors – why couldn’t they answer my questions, why couldn’t they tell me I was going to be ok?

These past few weeks after my Dad’s stroke I had those same feelings.  The doctors couldn’t give me any answers and I couldn’t make any plans.  I felt out of control and my life was in limbo, exactly the same feelings I had during the cancer.

Only this time I took time out and really started to think about the way I was feeling, why did I need to be in control of everything?  Well, I still don’t know the answer to that but I do know it doesn’t have to be that way.

A few months ago I decided that I would try to live more in the present, be in the now, but it wasn’t always easy to do.  And, of course, it was easier when my life was running smoothly.  Now I have issues to deal with, emotions get in the way and I have to deal with all the practical stuff that comes with being the only child of a parent who’s preparing to pass.

I’m not pretending it’s easy but, you know, living in the now actually does work.  Why worry about doing something when today you can do nothing about it.  Put it out of your mind until tomorrow, or the day that it will be possible to do something.  And actually what I have found is some of the things that I worried about at the beginning of my Dad’s illness are now totally irrelevant because events have overtook the need for action.  The worry about what I should do at that time was pointless.

This morning I woke up whittling about whether I needed to get the gas board to turn off the gas to the cooker, but I can’t do anything today because it’s Sunday.  It’s out of my mind now, I’ll think about it again tomorrow.

So I recommend trying to live in the now, the present moment  – give it a go, what have you got to lose?

An Eventful Share

This week we had another Reiki Share and it felt like we stepped up a notch and moved on to a whole new level.  I don’t know if this kind of thing happens in other shares, but we all felt that it was more than just giving and receiving Reiki that evening.

We started in our usual way with an opening prayer, asking for the perfect evening for all concerned, asking for protection, and asking to connect with higher beings.  We had a 10-minute meditation and then moved over to the bed.

The energy was high and we all felt a lot of activity in the room.  Reiki was flowing and I felt the energy like I never have before.  What was amazing was how we all felt so connected, that we worked as one rather than individuals.  Then three things happened.

We became aware that we had a lot of observers present.  They wanted us to know that they were extremely grateful to us for doing what we were doing and that, although we had free will, we had chosen to spend our evening working in this way.  They reminded us that gratitude worked both ways.  I felt really humbled.

The second thing to happen gave us slight cause for concern as we all felt, to varying degrees, that there was someone present who we thought shouldn’t really be there.  We wondered how he had got through when we had been so particular about protection.  But, it turned out, he was not harmful in any way just extremely pompous and arrogant.  He was a master healer and appeared to be on one massive ego trip so he had been brought to us to observe and learn.  As soon as we recognised him for what he was, he left.

The final thing that happened was that I became aware of a bus pulling up and loads of people getting off.  They stood milling around watching us and appeared to be waiting for something.  We finished working and formed a circle to give thanks and close ourselves down.  It was at that point that we directed Reiki to the people from the bus and bathed them in white light.  They got back on the bus and went on their way.  Most strange.

So a most unusual evening, and what an amazing one.  Not only had we all given and received Reiki, we had helped the arrogant man on an ego trip by sending him off into the light, we had bathed a bus load of people in Reiki energy and while light, and we had received grateful thanks from the higher beings.   I so love what I do!

Do you have eventful Reiki Shares too?